i continually try to determine why i feel and act the way i do. someone once told me that people tend to act in one of 2 ways: guilt about the past or worry about the future. once in my life, in fact most of it until very recently, i felt little worry about the future. for some reason i felt that the future was what it was and would be what it would be, and also that everything would be OK. not good, or even great. definitely not bad. but OK.
i had guilt, however, like a nun reading penthouse. consumed with guilt about what i had done, how i had acted. very low self-confidence and constantly reviewing in my head past misdeeds, which usually weren't misdeeds but situations where i felt i looked stupid.
today i'm quite the opposite and have few self-confidence issues (though some might disagree) and little guilt. so i focus on the future and worry, i suppose. and back to the first sentence about why i do what i do, i try to figure out why i feel worry. or anxiety. or pessimism.
don't fret the future at the expense of the moment. that thought came to me this morning like a punch right straight in the mouth from gary floater. my worry about the future makes the moment less meaningful. and aren't moments what we really want in life?
"the moment ends,
though i feel winds
blowing differently than ever before
and they're pushing me further from shore"
- phish the moma dance
you have a moment, but as soon as it ends you are immediately available to an infinite possibility of moments. it may be "far from shore", i.e. out of your comfort zone or maybe not be related in any way to the previous moments.
in future posts i will explore further why i worry about the future, what a moment truly is, and more detail supporting these ideas. but for now i had to get this posted quick so i can go watch the boys play star wars wearing duck boots and pimp hats.
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